


A Girl, A Guy, and the War

by TheAutotheist



Series: A Girl, A Guy, and the Never-Ending War [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Female Steve Rogers, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Genderswap, Lots of movie rehashing, Steve's Pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-05-06
Packaged: 2018-01-23 17:58:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1574543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAutotheist/pseuds/TheAutotheist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stephany Rogers never did what a girl was supposed to do. Up to and including becoming a super soldier and fighting in the war. </p><p>Or, what if Captain America was female?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Girl, A Guy, and the War

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, I read a Female!Steve/Bucky fic and thought "I can do that better." Be prepared for a lot of reworked movie(s) dialogue.

Stephany Rogers hated that she had been born a girl. She hated that people kept trying to make her wear dresses and only do girly thing like sew. However, they weren’t very successful. She wore pants and played stick ball with the other boys in her Brooklyn neighborhood. When other girls started wearing makeup and talking about dates, she still wore pants and kept her hair boyishly short. And when the war started and other men were drafted or enlisted, she tried her luck at that too.

As soon as they found out she was a girl, they would kick her out, with a, “You think this is a joke? Go act like you’re supposed to!” Sometimes they would threaten to have her arrested.

“What are you trying to do, Steph?” her best friend, Bucky, asked her one day after he managed to make her admit to having tried to enlist again. He was the only person she had ever known who never told her to act more like a girl.

“I want to fight,” she said. “I want to help.”

“You could be a nurse or something then. Something they’ll actually let you do.”

“I don’t want to be a nurse, or a typist.” She rounded on him. “I want to fight for my country.”

“What are you trying to prove?” he asked her. “That you’re as good as any man? I already know that. Who else are you trying to prove it to?”

“That’s not it,” she said, though he was right. “Or not all of it. I just don’t think it’s fair of them to only let men fight.”

“You’re so stupid sometimes,” he sighed. “People in a war aren’t going to pull their punches when they realize you’re a girl, like they do here.”

“They don’t always.”

It was the same argument they had every time she tried this stunt, including on the day before he was supposed to ship out. She didn’t want to fight then, especially as it could be the last time she ever saw him.

“I don’t want to have this argument now,” she said at last, holding up her hands.

He sighed. “Just don’t do anything stupid till I get back,” he said.

She smiled softly. “How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Brat.” He said and hugged her.

“Jerk,” she said against his neck. She didn’t want him to go, not without her.

He pulled back and turned away to head back to the random girl he had brought along this time, never satisfied with one girl for long. Steph had gotten used to the dull pain it gave her to see these other girls all over him.

She watched him walk away until she couldn’t see him anymore, and then she walked back into the enlistment center. She was barely inside before a doctor with graying hair and glasses stopped her to talk. He could tell right away she was a girl, but he offered her the option to take part in a new procedure anyway.

“Why me?” she asked. “Wouldn’t everyone rather it was an actual soldier, a man?”

“There are plenty of soldiers. We need a fighter. A truly good person.” Dr. Erskine told her. “I think a quality like that transcends male or female. I think you are that good person. And you can help us win the war.”

The excuse he told Colonel Phillips and Senator Brandt, however, was that it was better to test the serum on her first to be able to measure the full scope of enhancement capabilities, rather than on one of the soldiers who were already strong. For some reason, they accepted that. Once they saw how it would affect someone, they could create a whole unit of super soldiers.

Steph would be lying if she said she wasn’t nervous as she sat with Agent Carter in the backseat of the car on the way to wherever the procedure was taking place.

She laughed when she recognized a few buildings. “I challenged some boys to a fight in that alley. And got beaten up behind that diner.” She looked down at her hands. “And that parking lot.”

“Did you ever win?” Agent Carter asked.

“Once or twice. With B-” She hesitated. “With help.”

“Why did you pick so many fights?”

“I didn’t always pick them. Apparently something about me tends to offend people.”

Agent Carter smiled. “I know a little of what that’s like.”

“How did you do it? Get into the army.”

“Persistence.” She sat up when the car stopped. “Come on, we’re here.”

The procedure itself wasn’t anything like Steph thought it was going to be. The injections only stung a bit, but the blast of vita-waves, or whatever the doctor had called them, made her body feel like it was burning up from the inside out. But that didn’t mean she would let them stop it, even when she started screaming.

Judging by the reactions around the room, it had worked. The first thing she noticed was that even barefoot, she stood taller than Agent Carter in her heels. And then the spy set off an explosive and Dr. Erskine lay dying on the floor.

Steph didn’t know what was going on, but she wasn’t one to let bullies get away, so she chased him down. It was incredible how fast she could run, how high she could jump, and all while barefoot and in nothing but her khaki pants, and the tank top she had worn during the procedure. But it didn’t matter. When she caught him, he killed himself with some kind of pill. And the one remaining vial of serum was lost.

Normally, she would have never taken Senator Brandt’s offer, but it was that or be stuck in a lab, with endless tests and blood samples.

The uniform they gave her for the shows was extremely form-fitting. It was blue spandex with a big white star on the chest, and red and white stripes down the stomach. There were no sleeves, and the outfit was so tight she had to be zipped into it. It was embarrassing, but the Senator convinced her this was the best use of her new popularity. She got so used to the shows, she almost forgot this was what she hadn’t wanted. But she let them call her “Captain America: The All-American Girl,” and watched as much prettier girls danced around her. She spent her time entertaining people, not fighting

 

So it was no surprise when the soldiers in the audience of the USO show looked at her with a mixture of boredom and contempt. She couldn’t really blame them. After all, she called herself a captain, but had done nothing to earn the title.

There was another reason for the contempt, she knew. Women generally didn’t fight, not in wars. Saying she was a soldier was probably more of a sting than saying she was a captain. But she could fight. she could beat any man out there if just given the chance.

“Who wants to help me sock old Adolf on the jaw?” she asked in the cute stage voice she had adopted for the part. Hearing it come out of her own mouth, especially here, made her want to puke.

It was unsurprising, then, that she was met with silence. Steph sighed and tried again.

“Can I get a volunteer?”

“I already volunteered!” someone yelled. “How do you think I got here?”

There were some jeers to accompany the remark. It was a lost cause. Before she could try again, someone else shouted, “If you’re gonna put on a show, take off your clothes!”

“Yeah! Or put on a skirt, ya damn tomboy!”

“If we’re gonna sit here, we wanna see something good.”

The audience practically erupted into catcalls and lewd remarks after that.

Steph stormed off the stage. To fill, they sent in the chorus girls again, which seemed to please the men because they started cheering.

Steph dropped the shield by the stairs that lead off the back of the stage. Then she pulled her mask off and dropped it in the dirt. She sat down on the bottom step just as the girls started up another rendition of “Captain America: The All American Girl!”

Steph ran her fingers through her short hair. How did this happen? Her whole life she had tried to avoid acting like a girl. She didn’t want to be at the mercy of men, her worth measured by beauty alone. But here she was, performing for them like a piece of eye candy. This wasn’t what she wanted.

She stayed there after the show, and after everyone else had cleared off to go back to whatever else they had to do. She stayed there as it started to rain. And she was still there when Agent Carter found her.

“Hello Steph,” Peggy said softly as she leaned down over her shoulder to see what she was doodling.

Steph glanced back, then set her notepad on the wooden stage beside her. On it was a hyper-sexualized caricature of Betty Boop with the Captain America shield and costume. “Hello Agent Carter. What are you doing here?”

“Well, officially, I’m not here at all.” She tucked her skirt under her knees and knelt down beside Steph. “I saw your show.”

“Think they would have liked that better?” Steph waved her hand at the drawing.

“Undoubtedly.” Peggy glanced at the sketch. “I hear your America’s ‘New Hope.’”

“People like looking at me enough that they buy more bonds. Bonds sales take a 10% bump in every state I visit.”

“Is that Senator Brandt I hear?”

“It’s either that or be a stuck in a lab like Phillips wanted.”

“And those are your only two options? A lab rat or a show girl?” Peggy tried to catch Steph’s eye, but she looked down.  “You were meant for more than this, you know.”

“Yeah? I’m beginning to wonder.” Steph looked across the muddy camp and saw a medic truck arrive with wounded soldiers. “They look like they’ve been through hell,” she commented. She felt so useless.

“These men more than most,” Peggy said as she followed Steph’s gaze. She hesitated, and then told Steph about the latest operation that had cost at least 150 men. “They’re all that remains of the 107th. The rest were killed or captured.”

Whatever self-pitying disgust Steph felt instantly disappeared as her heart sank into her stomach. “The _107th_?” she repeated.

 _Bucky_.

Getting Colonel Phillips to take her seriously was not an obstacle she particularly wanted to deal with, especially when she had to see the list of dead soldiers. “I just need to know if one name is on that list. Sergeant James Barnes,” she repeated.

“What, is he your boyfriend?” Colonel Phillips said in response.

“Just tell me if he’s alive. It’s B-A-R--”

“I can spell.” The Colonel picked up the stack of condolences letters, but he didn’t flip through them, just looked at them as if examining the quantity. “I have signed more of these condolence letters today than I care to count,” he said, and then looked at her. “But the name does sound familiar. I’m sorry.” At least he didn’t cover that up with a joke.

Steph tried to swallow, but it felt like something was caught in her throat. Bucky couldn’t be dead. She was this close to him, preparing for some stupid show while he was fighting a real battle. She could have helped him, and she didn’t.

She finally swallowed the lump in her throat and stood a little straighter. “What about the others? Are you planning a rescue mission?” 150 men were still possibly captured.

“Yeah, it’s called winning the war.” Colonel Phillips’ sarcastic snark was back. He was done giving condolences to her.

“You know where they are!” Steph shot back. She was getting tired of this man’s bullshit.

“They are 30 miles behind enemy lines, through some of the most heavily fortified territory in Europe. We would lose more men than we would save.” Colonel Phillips turned and looked at her, trying to stand taller. Steph took a mild bit of satisfaction in the fact she had an inch on him. “How could you possibly understand that? You’re nothing more than a chorus girl. And from what I hear, you can’t even do that right.”

Steph clenched her fist, but restrained herself from punching the Colonel. “I understand perfectly,” she said.

“Then understand it somewhere else.” He shoved past her and went back to one of the strategy tables.

Steph glanced at the map that had a blue pin with a white H stuck thirty miles past the American lines. To hell with this. She _was_ meant for more. And no one was going to just hand her the opportunity to prove it.

She stormed out of the tent and Peggy ran after her. “Steph, wait!”

“Don’t try to stop me!” Steph called back. She stole one of the men’s leather jackets as she rushed through another tent and put it on over the star-spangled uniform.

“You heard the Colonel. Your friend is most likely dead.”

“Not Bucky. He could live through anything,” Steph said as she grabbed a chorus girl helmet. There was no way she could steal a real one. So it was lucky for her they had used actual army helmets and painted them blue. She grabbed the shield too. Who knew? It could come in handy.

Steph was all prepared to steal a military vehicle, but Peggy stopped her.

“Steph, wait. I can help.”

That caught her attention. “How?”

“You can’t just drive into Austria. I know a better way.”

It turned out her better way involved that flirt Howard Stark. When he wasn’t trying to hit on Peggy, he made comments to Steph, like “Personally, I like the spandex uniform just fine.” Both women ignored him.

 

Sneaking into the facility was easier than Steph expected it to be. It was like a part of her brain she never knew she had was suddenly unlocked. She knew exactly how to move to take down any man in her way, and just what to do to stay out of sight. She had to admit, it was satisfying to finally be able to knock out a man with one punch.

She found the cells holding the prisoners easily enough. But she didn’t expect anyone there to question her.

“Who are you supposed to be?” one of the American men asked.

“Um… I’m Captain America.” She left off the “All-American Girl” part. She liked the idea of just being a captain. “And I’m the one saving your asses.”

There were a lot of prisoners, and she unlocked every cell. But none of them held Bucky. With every key she turned, her heart sank a little more. “Is there anyone else? Anywhere else they’re keeping prisoners?” she asked the group. “I’m looking for a Sergeant James Barnes.”

“There’s an isolation ward in the factory,” the Red Barret told her. “But no one’s ever come back from it.”

“Then that’s where I’m going.” She gave them her instructions and left them to cause havoc while she made her way through the rest of the factory. There was no sneaking by now. This time it felt like she had to fight every Hydra agent in the place.

The fighting thinned out when she found the isolation ward. No one was there. A small man not outfitted in the typical Hyrdra garb walked out of one of the dimly lit rooms, and she had half a mind to stop him, but she heard mumbling from the room he had left.

As she ran inside the mumbling became more intelligible, and she recognized that voice.

“Bucky!” she said, taking in the contraptions all around him. She was so relieved that she leaned over and kissed him squarely on the mouth, even though he was completely out of it.

A split second later, she realized what she was doing and jerked back. Never was there a more wrong time and wrong place. But it was okay, because he didn’t seem to notice her until she tore the straps that were holding him to the table off.

“It’s okay, Bucky,” she said as his eyes finally found her. “It’s me. It’s Steph.”

“Steph? But… how…?”

Steph helped him down, and when his legs almost buckled, she helped him stand. It was strange the way it took no effort for her. Even though he could barely stand, she quickly wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. “I thought you were dead.” She pulled back and kept her hands on his arms to keep him steady.

He blinked like he couldn't believe what he was seeing. “I thought you were smaller.”

She glanced around the room quickly, before pulling his arm over her shoulder so she could support his weight as they made their way out.

“What happened to you?” he asked.

Steph laughed. “Managed to join the army.” She told him about the super-soldier serum and the procedure.

“How did they let you swing that?”

“I told them I don’t like bullies. And the doctor gave me a chance.” She looked down. “Hydra killed him to try to get the serum. I stopped their man, though. So I’m the only one. Super-soldier serum wasted on a girl.”

“Doesn’t seem wasted to me,” he mumbled. “Can’t think of anyone who would make better use of it.” She loved him for that.

“Did it hurt? Having them do that to you?”

“A little,” she admitted.

“Is it permanent?”

“So far.”

When things started to blow up around them, that was when she first thought they might be in trouble. There was no way down so they had to keep climbing up to try to find a way across, to an exit along the wall of the factory.

That was how they ran into Schmidt.

“The All-American Girl,” he said as he walked toward her on the catwalk. “I am great fan of your films.”

“I’m just Captain America now,” she said as she stepped onto the walkway, getting between Schmidt and Bucky. He could barely stand, so there was no way she was going to drag him into a fight.

“Dr. Erskine managed it after all. Impressive considering he started with such base material. Too bad he wasted it on a little girl.”

“Do I look little to you?” She said as she punched him in the face. Talk about satisfying.

Schmidt stumbled slightly, but then he turned around and threw a punch of his own. Steph just managed to block with her shield, but his fist left a remarkable dent. She tried to pull out her gun, but he smacked it out of her hand. Before she let him get any closer, she turned sideways and kicked him as hard as she could. When he fell back, the other man (the one who had been experimenting on Bucky, she noted in the back of her mind) pulled a lever that separated the two sides of the walkway.

“All that wasted potential. Let me show you what the real success is.”

Steph stared in disgust as Schmidt tore off his own face, leaving behind a red skull.

Leave it to Bucky to mutter at a time like this, “You don’t have one of those, do you?”

“You are nothing more than an inherently weak-willed girl, but even you must see that we have left humanity behind. Stop trying to deny it, and embrace it, as I have.” Schmidt turned and headed for the elevator. “Though perhaps that is impossible for a woman. As I said, such a waste.” And then they were gone.

Steph ground her teeth together. She hated that man, and she knew she was going to stop him.

Another explosion set them back to the task of finding a way out. Otherwise they would never live to have another chance at taking down Hydra. A rickety metal beam was the only way across.

Steph helped Bucky climb over the rail, and watched as he carefully made his way across. Every jolt the beam took made her stomach drop. She could only watch with held breath as the whole thing gave way underneath his feet. Bucky jumped for it and managed to grab the rail on the other side and hoist himself across.

He turned and looked at her, realizing they had just lost the only way across. “There’s got to be a rope or something. Some other way.”

Steph’s whole mission in raiding the factory was to save Bucky. That was all that mattered to her. So she yelled back, “Just go! I’ll find another way!”

“No! Not without you!” he screamed. And she believed him. The stupid man would stand there and burn if she didn’t get across.

Steph estimated the jump across. She had been testing her new strength all night, so she thought she could make it. She had always been good at jumping, even when she was scrawny. She pulled the broken pieces of the rail on her side out of the way, and strapped the dented shield to her back.

“Come on, come on…” she muttered and moved as far back as she could before running at the chasm with all the strength left in her legs. The rest of the factory seemed to explode around her as she sailed through the air.

Bucky braced his foot against the bottom rail and reached out with both hands. Steph just barely connected, and managed to grab his wrists, wrapping her fingers around them tightly. She slammed into the metal rail, and the two of them almost went toppling over the side. But then she hooked her foot around the bottom rail and pulled herself up and over.

Bucky laughed in relief. “God damn. Don’t ever do that again, you stupid girl.”

Steph smiled. “I’ll try not to.”

The two of them ran out the door and down some metal stairs as the last of the windows still intact around the factory blew out and the roof caved in. When they made it to the clearing, they found hundreds of men, with a pretty impressive cache of weapons and supplies.

“We didn’t think you would make it out,” the British man said. He eyes slid sideways to take in Bucky and then back to her. “So now what, “Captain America?””

The other soldiers who had been in the cell with him stood around him. Others were gathered in the clearing and they looked over to see what she would say. They were actually waiting for her opinion.

Steph gripped her shield a little tighter. “How many of the Hydra men did you take out on your way out? Are we going to have to worry about a counter-attack?”

“Unlikely, Doll,” the one in the bowler hat said. “We whooped them pretty good.”

“How many injured are there? Did you manage to get any medical supplies?”

“There are a couple of crates in one of the trucks we stole.” The black man pointed back to the trucks and tanks stopped on the road.

“Then we tend to the wounded first. Make sure they can make it back to be properly treated.” She pulled the transponder out of her jacket pocket and found a big hole in it. “So much for calling a ride…” she said, and then slipped it back into her pocket. She looked at the men who were still watching her. “I know you’ve all been through a lot. But we’re still behind enemy lines. And we’re going to have to make our own way back. So treat those we can, and put the rest in the trucks. We need to move.”

“Yes, ma’am,” more than one person said. It wasn’t sarcastic or condescending at all. And then they actually did what she told them to.

Steph turned and looked at Bucky. “That includes you. Let’s see what we can find.”

“I’m fine,” he said.

“You can barely stand.” She hadn’t really noticed while they had been making a mad dash to get out of a burning building, but she was now the same height as him. She didn’t have to look up anymore. And he seemed to notice too, as he looked straight into her eyes.

“Thanks,” he said quietly enough that only she heard. “For coming to find me.”

Steph smiled. “You’re my best friend. I’ll never leave you behind. And you’d do the same for me.”

He nodded, which was apparently all he had left in him because he collapsed forward after that, and she just barely managed to catch him.

“See, I told you…” she said against his hair as she helped him sit down.

“I’ll be good in a few minutes,” he muttered.

“When was the last time you ate?” she asked.

“Don’t remember,” he admitted.

“Stay here,” she commanded before standing up to search for food.

“Not gonna be a problem…” he said from behind her.

As Steph walked between the men, she took a mental stock of the supplies and the wounded. They were lucky that the majority of men seemed physically able, and they had enough to last a couple days. But if it took any longer to get back, or if Hydra found them first, they were screwed. These men were exhausted, and wouldn’t make it through another fight.

“Found your Sergeant Barnes, I see,” the British man said as she rummaged through one of the crates.

Steph straightened up and looked at him. “Yeah. I did.”

He held out his hand. “James Montgomery Falsworth.”

Steph took his hand and shook it. “Stephany Rogers.”

“So you do have a normal name too,” the man in the bowler hat said as he stepped up beside Falsworth. “I’m Dum Dum Drugan.”

The others gathered around them and all introduced themselves. The Asian man was Jim Morita. The black man was Gabe Jones. And the Frenchman was Jacques Dernier, which Jones translated for him.

“Looks like we all owe you our lives, Captain Rogers,” Falsworth said.

“Just as long as we make it back,” she said. “We’ve got to move within the hour.”

The nodded in agreement and went off to make sure everyone else understood. These were good men. If they actually did make it back alive, she would make sure everyone knew that. Steph turned back around and found a packet of something edible in the crate, along with a canteen of water. She rushed back over to Bucky’s side. He had practically passed out by the time she returned.

“Come on, Buck.” She knelt down beside him so she could slip her arm around his back and help him sit up straight. “You have to eat. We’re gonna move in an hour. And I can’t carry you the whole way.”

He took the water first, and drank the whole thing before he even started on the food. “Whoever thought you’d be the one taking care of me.”

“Had to happen eventually. I owe you for everything, after all.”

Bucky stopped and looked at her. In their position, their noses were practically touching. It wasn’t exactly like they had never sat that close together before, but it felt different now. She couldn’t help that her mind went back to when she found him in the factory. She hadn’t meant to kiss him. And she wondered if he remembered it at all. If he did, she knew he didn’t think of her that way. She had always been “one of the boys” to him. The only time she wanted someone to see her as a girl, was the one time it would never happen.

“Steph…” he said softly.

“Keep eating,” she said and turned away. “Like I said, we’ve got to go. So don’t die on me right after I found you again.”

He didn’t say anything, but he followed her orders. They didn’t say anything else as they got everyone up and headed out again.

It was slow work, making their way through enemy territory with so many men, but finally, they crossed the line, and marched right back into the Army camp.

Colonel Phillips met her at the gate. While she still felt like he need to be punched, she understand he was a superior officer, and she had disobeyed him. So she saluted him and said, “Some of these men need medical attention. But I’d like to surrender myself for disciplinary action.”

The Colonel looked around at the group of men, both the ones she brought back, and the ones cheering behind him. “That won’t be necessary,” he said as if it pained him to admit it. But then he smiled.

So she smiled too, just a bit. “Yes, sir.”

When he walked off, he mumbled something to Peggy, and she stepped up to smile at Steph. “You’re late,” she said.

Steph laughed. “Sorry about that.”

“Good job, Captain.” Peggy squeezed her arm briefly,

“Hey!” Bucky said from behind them, to catch the attention of the crowd. “Let’s hear it for Captain America!”

Steph turned around and looked at him as everyone started cheering and applauding, including the men who had catcalled at her only a few days before. She met Bucky’s eyes and he shrugged one shoulder before smiling at her. She turned back to look at Peggy and saw her clapping as well.

For just the night, the Colonel let everyone take some time off and celebrate the return of nearly 400 soldiers. They even managed to dig out a couple dozen bottles of alcohol. All the men took the chance to celebrate long into the night. Some men challenged her to arm wrestle, and others were just happy to get drunk. Eventually, Steph managed to get by the last person who wanted to congratulate her, and made it out of the mess hall.

It was very dark outside, but she still saw Bucky leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. “Steph,” he said when he saw her. He wasn’t there to congratulate her. The expression on his face was dead serious.

“Bucky,” she said quietly. And then she smiled. “You’re not drunk are you? Did the medic even clear you yet?” she joked. He was still in the same clothes he had been captured in, with the addition of a jacket and some bandages.

He still looked serious. “Look, Steph…” He took a step towards her, and she suddenly felt nervous.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, trying to keep her light-hearted smile.

“In the factory. I thought I was hallucinating when I first saw you. So I wasn’t exactly sure what happened.”

Steph felt her face heat up slightly. She thought he hadn’t noticed or remembered. If he thought she liked him, then he wouldn’t look at her the same. They wouldn’t be friends.

“What are you getting at?” she asked, but it didn’t come out as strong as she wanted it to.

“Did you kiss me?”

Steph realized she had been avoiding his gaze, but she met his eyes. His expression didn’t give anything away, though. She could lie, say he really must have been out of it. But she had been lying to herself for years about how she felt about him. So she didn’t want to lie to him too. “Yes, I did,” she said. “I thought you were dead, and I was so happy you were alive. Look, I’m sorry. I know you don’t think of me like that. And I’m not some foolish girl like you dated at--”

She didn’t get to finish her excuses because he kissed her. Once the initial shock was over, she reached up and pulled him closer by the lapels of his jacket, and kissed him as hard as she could.

When they broke apart, he laughed, but kept their lips close. “You suck at this.”

“Excuse me if I didn’t spend every moment trying to make out with a different girl back home,” she said before pulling him close to kiss him again. After a few more tries, she thought she was getting the hang of it.

“No,” he said between kisses. “But that woulda been something to see.” He reached up and cupped her cheek, then slid his hand around to cradle the back of her head.

When she felt his tongue, she happily opened her mouth and let him take control. It was all new and so different from anything she had ever experienced. And it was Bucky. She could still taste and smell smoke and dirt on him, and she imagined she had to be the same way. But still, there seemed to be something so very Bucky about the way he felt and tasted.

His other arm went around her waist to pull her body up against his, and she felt a sensation she’d never felt before. A pleasant tingle went through her whole body and settled deep in her stomach. She pressed closer to him and could feel his muscles through the threadbare wool shirt he wore under the open jacket. Fuller breasts she was still not quite used to having seemed to only get in the way. That was until Bucky slid his hand further up her back to press her closer, and then the pressure felt nice.

The next time they broke apart, they were both out of breath. Bucky’s eyes were so dark, they looked black. Steph let her own eyes roam his face and take in every detail. She wanted to commit this moment to memory forever.

“Never thought this would happen…” she admitted. “I thought you only liked pretty girls.”

“You are so stupid sometimes,” he said and captured her lips again. “Both stupid.”

She leaned into him and felt a soft moan escape her lips from the kiss.

“Thought it woulda been an insult to you if I tried anything. That you’d punch me for treating you like a dame.”

“Stupid boy,” she mumbled against his lips. “You don’t have to treat me like a dame. Just treat me like the same Steph. Only with more kissing.”

He laughed, but kissed her again, and then trailed kisses past her lips and along her jaw. “Some people would say kissing your best friend is wrong.”

“And you know what I would say to those people?” She whispered, trying to keep her voice from shaking. She closed her eyes and never wanted him to stop what he was doing.

“That they can go screw themselves?”

She laughed, and then moaned when he nipped and sucked at her neck. “Yes, exactly…” His lips left a trail of fire where they touched her skin, and she gripped his jacket even tighter.

“ _Bucky_ …” she breathed out, which made him press harder against her.

Some still rationally thinking part of her brain knew this was a really bad idea. They were out in the open where anyone could see them, and it was so against regulations. The last thing she wanted was to make him stop, but eventually she pulled herself back together and put her hand on his chest to gently push him away.

He looked disappointed, but didn’t try to stop her.

“Wait,” she said, still breathing hard. “If we stay here, we’ll get caught. Come on.” She took his hand and practically dragged him behind a few buildings and tents to where they had given her a private one, back when the only thing she was doing was performing.

She pulled Bucky into the tent and spun around to kiss him again, dropping down onto the cot and bringing him with her. This time she didn’t pull him close with his jacket, but instead pushed the damn thing off his shoulders before running her hands up his chest. He ran his hands through her hair and then tried to unzip the leather jacket she wore as fast as possible. The spandex uniform she still had on underneath gave him a little more trouble, though.

She helped him find the hidden zipper at the back, and while he was busy with that, she pulled his wool shirt over his head. She ran her hands along his bare skin, trying to touch as much as possible. He got the top part of her uniform off and the cold air hit her bare skin, making her shiver. She suddenly felt self-conscious. As part of the show, they made her wear a stupid bra under the costume to make her look sexier, when she would have much rather gone without. Before the procedure, she never needed to wear them, and it was cheaper not to anyway. She thought for a moment Bucky was going to laugh at the girliness of it.

But he didn’t. He slid his hand along her back until he could find the hooks and eyes and undo them. She let the restrictive garment slide off her shoulders and moved close to him. His hand stayed on her back, tracing the edges of her shoulder blade, and the hard muscle covering it.

Steph slowly slid her body up along his. Her nipples were hard, and the friction felt so good she almost forgot about everything else. Until she felt Bucky’s hand slide along the waistband of the cargo pants she wore. He unbuckled the belt she wore to keep the pants up. She had to wear men’s pants that were too large in order to accommodate the hips she had that most men did not. Cause like hell she would wear one of those Army-issue women’s skirts. Without the belt, Bucky easily slid the pants down her hips.

She found her hands were shaking slightly when she followed his actions and put them on his belt. So he helped her out and unbuckled it himself. She took the opportunity to kick her pants off, as well as her boots.

“This has you nervous?” he asked as he kissed her again. “You just practically took down a Hydra factory single-handedly.” He kicked off his pants as well, pulling her closer so she sat between his legs, even though they were still both on their knees.

“Wasn’t single-handedly…” Steph mumbled as she kissed his chest. “I’ve got two. And shut up. It’s not like I’ve ever done this before.”

“Huh,” he said.

“Don’t say anything else, you stupid boy,” she said and grabbed the back of his head to pull him down into a kiss, and to pull him down on top of her. “Just stop talking.”

They got rid of the last few pieces of clothing. Steph could feel the heat radiating off his body, and everywhere their skin made contact felt like electricity. Bucky’s hands roamed down her body and his tongue followed. She didn’t want him to stop, ever. It felt so good. And she wanted him everywhere.

She ran her fingers through his hair urgently as he moved further down her body. “ _Bucky_ ,” she said again, breathlessly.

He licked a line down from between her breasts to her belly button, before moving to kiss her hip. And then he did something with his tongue that made her cry out so loudly she had to cover her own mouth with one of her hands. The last thing they wanted was for someone to walk in on them because they heard noises.

She heard him chuckle and his lips form a smirk against her skin before he did it again.

“D-don’t laugh…” she moaned again, tangling her fingers in his hair, “at me…”

“Just thinking you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

She bit down on her lower lip hard, trying to contain another moan. “Just saying that… cause I look good now…” She was joking, but not entirely.

He kissed her hip again and then moved up and planted his hands on either side of her head so he could look straight down into her face. “I’ve always thought that. Always.”

She grabbed his neck and pulled him down into a hot and heavy kiss. “Bucky, please…” she mumbled when they broke apart, and then kissed along the side of his face. She wrapped her legs around his waist. “Don’t make me wait anymore.”

He nodded and guided himself into her. The sensation was unlike anything she expected. It didn’t hurt, but she felt so full. She arched her back to press her chest up into his and bit her lip again, turning her head slightly

He kissed her ear, and she could hear him breathing hard. “You okay?” he asked, a bit shakily. He was waiting for her go ahead to continue, and holding still was taking all his effort.

She nodded, not quite trusting her voice. After trying to take another breath, she said, “It feels…” she squeezed her legs tighter around his waist, which pulled him in more, and the most delicious feeling of pleasure went through her. “Oh god, it feel so good…”

Bucky took that as his cue to keep going. The way he was making her feel, it was almost so much she couldn’t breathe. She wrapped her arms around his back as she moved with him, one hand in his hair again.

“ _Steph_ …” he breathed out against her ear, all lust, and heat, and desire.

“Don’t stop,” she said. “Don’t ever stop.”

With all the celebrating going on around the camp, and the extra soldiers everywhere from many different armies, no noticed that Bucky stayed in Steph’s tent all night instead of with the other men in his unit.  

 

They took a terrible risk, and more than one, in their little celebratory tryst. So they decided after that to be much more careful. They never talked affectionately or threw longing glances at each other in public. That kind of stuff would have been too sappy for them anyway. They only ever did anything intimate when they were sure they were alone.

At the main SSR base in London, they gave Steph a private room, since she was a captain, and since she was going to lead a special unit set with the task of taking down the Hydra bases and factories. She and Bucky made good use of it.

He also managed to get his hands on condoms from the guys who liked to spend their leave time in brothels or with the pretty English girls. It wouldn’t help their secrecy much if she got knocked up.

The mission always came first when they were fighting. Steph would be damned if she was going to let something as sappy as feelings get in the way of winning the war. Her commitment to stopping Schmidt never waned. So the other Howling Commandoes never knew about their relationship, or if they did, they kept it to themselves.

For the most part, they could keep their hands off each other. Every now and then they would slip up because they just couldn’t wait to make it back to her room. One time Steph grabbed Bucky and dragged him behind the barracks to kiss him. He pressed her up against the wall, lifting her slightly, and she took the opportunity to wrap her legs around him.

They would have kept going if she didn’t hear someone start to walk around the building. “Shh!” she hissed urgently, and dropped her legs. She took his hand and they just barely managed to run around the other side before whoever it was saw them. They laughed about it later.

She never told him that she loved him. After so many years of not understanding it, and then denying it, she could finally admit to herself that she really did love Bucky. He was her one, true friend. And she had loved him all along, with every fiber of her being. But she never said it. He probably felt the same, or at least she hoped he did, because he never said it either. It was almost as if it was an unspoken taboo.

They could have sex as much as they wanted, and never shied away from that. But they were in a war. Sex and violence had always gone well together, the urgency, the chaos. But love? Love had no place on a battlefield. Love was victory. Love was for after they won.

She almost said it, once. They had taken out most of the Hydra factories by that point, and had taken a quick respite before heading out again. Steph tenderly traced her finger along his bare chest, her head resting on his shoulder.

“Bucky?” she said quietly, so it was barely a whisper. “You awake?”

“Am now…” he muttered.

“Look, I… We’ve been going on these dangerous missions together. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. You’re the person I trust most to have my back. But… well… the chance the one or both of us could die has always been pretty high.”

“Mm…” he mumbled, but didn’t say anything else.

“Just in case something happens… I wanted to say… I mean, I want you to know… I feel like to have to say it…” Nothing was coming out right. For some reason she couldn’t just say three short words.

“Shut up and get back to sleep,” he muttered as she rambled, and that shut her up quickly. After a tense moment of silence, he said, “I know. Of course I know.”

“Yeah…” she whispered, settling her head back on his shoulder. She decided not to say it that night.

Two days later, Bucky fell.

 

Peggy was the one who found her. Steph had gone out during one of the air raids because she needed to be away from people. A blitz was the last thing she was concerned with or afraid of at that particular moment. She sat in the burned out wreckage of the very same bar where she had asked the Howling Commandoes to join her team, and where she had asked Bucky.

She could practically hear the ghost of his voice say, _“The scrawny girl from Brooklyn who never backed down from a fight. I’ll follow her.”_

She had been a good soldier. She completed the mission, brought in Zola to interrogation. She had given her report with a steady voice and dry eyes, even when they asked for the details of Bucky’s death. After, at the bar, she had managed to find one intact bottle of alcohol and a glass in all the wreckage, and that was when she discovered even that couldn’t help. She drank practically the whole thing, but the burning shrapnel that had made its way into her heart the moment that piece of metal tore off and took Bucky with it refused to disappear. The pain never lessened. It was a little thing, not being able to get drunk, but it was one more thing and she just couldn’t hold it together anymore. That was when she let the tears come. She didn’t wipe them away as they silently rolled down her face. For the first time since the procedure, it felt like her lungs couldn’t take in enough oxygen. Her own ragged breathing was the only sound in the place.

When Peggy came in, Steph knew what she was going to say, so instead she rambled on about how the super soldier serum had made it so she couldn’t get drunk, while she tried to subtly wipe the tears off her face with the back of her hand. She didn’t say that being unable to get drunk kept her from forgetting what happened. So she had to remember it over and over again. She kept seeing Bucky reach out for her hand, and fall.

“Dr. Erskine thought it could be one of the side effects,” Peggy admitted. She pulled up a chair and sat next to Steph. “It wasn’t your fault,” she said soothingly.

That was the last thing Steph wanted to hear. That kind of sympathy didn’t change a damn thing. It wasn’t going to bring Bucky back. Especially because it was her fault. She couldn’t catch him. She couldn’t save him.

“Steph… Were you…” Peggy hesitated over what she wanted to say. “Were you more than friends?”

Steph rolled the glass around under her hand and didn’t meet Peggy’s eyes. She didn’t answer for a moment, afraid her voice would waver. “Yes,” she said at last. It didn’t matter if she got in trouble for it now.

“I’m sorry,” Peggy said. “You must have believed in him. Trusted him.”

“Yeah,” she said.

“Then let him have the dignity of his choice. He chose to follow you. So he must have thought you were worth it.”

 

Later, years later, after she woke up in a different century, she wondered about her own choice to take the Hydra plane down. At the time, it felt like the only option. It was going too fast for her to escape before it crashed. So she hadn’t thought about it as giving up. After trying to find something to cling to in this unfamiliar New York, some touchstone to the past, she thought again about that choice.

Steph had always been committed to the fight. But during that last assault, she was committed to dying for it. She wondered if things would have been different if it had been Bucky on the other end of that radio instead of Peggy. Would she have tried her damnest to get back to him instead of accepting she had to sacrifice herself to save the world? Would it have made a difference? She might have actually been killed in the attempt rather than just frozen. As she flipped through file after file with “DECEASED” stamped across it in red letters, she wondered if she would be looking at his picture partially obscured by red ink too. Would he have had a wife’s name and children listed at the bottom?

When the aliens invaded Manhattan, Steph felt like she finally knew why she was there, what her purpose was. She was meant to freeze in 1944 so she could wake up in 2011 and team up with the other Avengers to save the world. She wasn’t being arrogant when she thought that they would have lost without her. If even one of them hadn’t been there, they would have lost the battle.

After watching Thor take his psychotic little brother back into space, and after the other Avengers went their separate ways, Steph briefly felt at peace for the first time since she woke up in this century. But she still wasn’t happy.

Letting SHIELD send her on missions that made use of her strength felt good. It felt productive. But it was never enough. She only realized it after the Battle of New York, but there was a void inside her, that had been there ever since she woke up. No matter how many missions she went on, or how many people she helped, she never felt complete. She was still a soldier out of time. Nothing and no one could fill the hole inside her, no matter how many times Natasha tried to set her up with any cute guy she could think of, including the nurse who lived in the apartment next to hers, and who turned out to be a SHIELD agent.

As she told Natasha after they had escaped from the Strike team, “It’s hard to find someone with shared life experiences.”

The reason was that she hadn’t gotten over Bucky yet. To the rest of the world Sergeant Barnes had been dead for 70 years, but to her, it still felt like yesterday when she had watched him fall. She didn’t tell anyone that, though. It felt especially out of place when they had much bigger problems to worry about, like the fact that Hydra was growing inside SHIELD this whole time.

 

When Steph finally went up against the Winter Soldier, it was all she could do just to keep up with him. He was good. More agile than Natasha, and stronger than Steph. And every time he managed to connect a blow with that metal left arm, she could feel the shock through her whole body. This man was no normal assassin, ghost or not. And Steph wasn’t stupid. Whoever this man was, he had super-soldier serum in his body.

Steph only barely managed to pull her shield out of the side of the van from where the Winter Soldier had thrown it, before he was on her again. Fighting against a man who was actually stronger than her, and faster, that shield was the only thing keeping her alive.

And then he rolled away from one of her attacks and the mask covering the lower half of his face fell off. He turned to face her and all the fight left her body. She went completely slack and stared. There was no way it could be, but standing right in front of her was, “Bucky?”

“Who the hell is Bucky?” the Winter Soldier responded with absolutely no emotion in his voice.

What happened after that was a bit of a blur, but she knew that Bucky, or the Winter Soldier, hesitated and that was why Natasha was able to take the opportunity to fire the grenade launcher. When the smoke cleared, he was gone.

Later, after they were caught by the Strike squad, and Steph’s hands were bound in metal cuffs so thick even she couldn’t break them, Natasha was the one who asked.

“You called him Bucky. The Winter Soldier.”

“It was him,” Steph said quietly.

“By Bucky, you mean the man who died in World War II.”

“It was him…” she said again, but she wasn’t sure if she was telling the others or herself at that point. She saw the table he had been strapped to, when she found him. When she kissed him for the first time. She knew he had been through hell. It didn’t take a doctor to see that. But he seemed fine. He didn’t show any side effects from whatever they did to him. So they had put it out of their minds and continued on with the war.

But she hadn’t saved him.

 

Coming up with the plan to stop Hydra, that was easy. Knowing it would be only a handful of them against an army, she’d done it many times before. And won. She wasn’t worried about that.

Sam was the one who figured it out, probably because he’d also lost a close buddy during combat. So he understood. Or he thought he did. He didn’t know what kind of relationship she and Bucky really had. It wasn’t in the files, and Steph hadn’t told anyone in the 21st century. She always considered that her business.

“The guy he is now, I don’t think he’s the kind you save. He’s the kind you stop,” Sam told her.

She looked sideways at him. Her mind was made up. Whatever they did to Bucky, she was going to make it right. She _would_ save him.

 

Sneaking into a museum, even the Smithsonian, was easy. After stealing a hi-tech flight unit from a military base, an alarm system was a piece of cake. Natasha indulged Steph’s desire to steal her old uniform out of the exhibit, and helped her get inside.

She padded silently past old photos and memorabilia while Natasha stayed by the door. Steph pointedly did not look at the blow-up picture of Sergeant Barnes plastered over a glass wall. She remembered it well enough the last time she was there. The photo was so large you could see every dot of ink used in the original newsprint.

Instead, she ran up to the display of mannequins that sported the Howling Commandoes’ old uniforms. Her plan had been to snatch the Captain America one and leave. They were on a short timeline, after all. But she couldn’t help but stop and look at the dark blue uniform beside it. She reached out and gently felt the collar between her thumb and index finger. She touched the pin on the left sleeve and fingered one of the buttons.

Steph remembered ripping this uniform off Bucky on more than one occasion. Those were the times they didn’t want to take things slowly. After a particularly dangerous mission, after a particularly close call. They would go through debriefing. They would let Dum Dum talk them into round after round of drinks. And then they would leave the others to their drunken revelries and find a secluded place where no one would find the two of them for hours. Just happy to be alive.

“Bucky…” Steph whispered. “It’s just you and me now, the two everyone thought died in action.” She leaned close and rested her forehead gently against the lapel of the uniform. “What are we gonna do?” She looked at the uniform again, and then the mural behind it. They had made Bucky look like a hero, like he deserved. They all looked like heroes.

Steph gently ran her fingers over the front of the uniform one last time, and then quickly stepped back. She made quick work of taking her uniform off the ridiculous female mannequin they had chosen to represent her and darted out of the exhibit. She didn’t look back.

 

Steph could think of several people who would call her an idiot for saving the Winter Soldier after he had practically riddled her with bullets, and especially when he turned around and tried to beat the crap out of her again. And to all of them she would say she wasn’t saving the Winter Soldier. She was saving Bucky.

She really wanted to be there to help rehabilitate him, to see him through. She would have faith when no one else would. But her gut was bleeding. She had already lost a lot of blood trying to lift the metal girder off Bucky. In the back of her mind, she vaguely wondered if her cheek bone was fractured from the pummeling it took from Bucky’s metal arm. It was hard to tell because she couldn’t feel her face. Actually she couldn’t feel anything. Her whole body was going numb and felt weightless.

And then there was too much weight. Water surrounded her and she couldn’t breathe. She tried to move, but it was too much effort. Her limbs didn’t respond no matter how she tried to move them. And it was exhausting, even just trying to stay conscious. It was so much easier to just give in. Hopefully this time she wouldn’t die for nothing.

A shadow crossed her vision, just before she blacked out. And then glorious air rushed into her lungs. She thought she could just make out a dark figure walking away before everything went dark.

 _Bucky_ …

 

After everything that happened, Tony suggested Steph move into Stark Tower (which some people had started calling “Avengers Tower”), but she didn’t think she was ready to move back to New York. She also didn’t think New York was quite ready to have another “super hero” yet, considering what happened the last time they had all gathered there.

So she opted to stay in DC, but in a different apartment, considering Bucky -- the Winter Soldier -- had nearly killed Fury in her current one. So she moved, and let Tony set up state-of-the-art security. As long as she could turn it off, she didn’t want to know what it could do to an intruder. She didn’t really expect anyone to attack her at home.

“But the Winter Soldier might,” Tony reminded her as he supervised the set-up.

“I can handle myself,” Steph muttered under her breath. She had just barely managed to talk him out of installing a connection for JARVIS. The last thing she wanted was for Tony’s AI to be able to monitor her constantly. “I don’t tend to give my address out to people who want me dead.”

Tony didn’t visibly react to the comment. “No, you just sit back and let them kill you.”

Steph scowled at him. Some days it was easier to be around Tony than others. It had taken a long time for either of them to earn the others’ respect (though fighting against an entire alien army together helped). Ever since the Winter Soldier, and taking down Hydra/SHIELD, the days where she could handle Tony’s snark were few and far between.

“Or have you blissfully pushed that out of your mind with all your fantasies about finding and reforming him?”

She crossed her arms and gave him A Look. “I don’t think the Winter Soldier is fully in control anymore, otherwise he wouldn’t have saved me too.”

If Tony had a smart rejoinder to that, he didn’t say it, because at that moment his tablet beeped to indicate all systems were online. The conversation was forgotten as Tony ran her through the process of turning the system on and off, and the different ways she could indicate a hostile presence while it was off. Steph committed them to memory as things to avoid so she wouldn’t start a panic. She didn’t plan to spend much time in the apartment, anyway, not with the search for Bucky she and Sam were going to begin.

 

However, after four months of searching, only returning a few times to restock, they still were completely unable to find Bucky’s trail. Just as Natasha had said, he was a ghost.

After this latest failed attempt, Steph holed up in her room and spread out all the papers on the Winter Soldier that Natasha had given her, plus her own notes she had jotted down from her interactions with him. She was convinced she had missed something, and if she could just figure it out, it would lead her right to Bucky.

She stayed like that until a lack of food in her apartment drove her out to buy groceries one evening. It was really not a good idea for her to skip meals so much, especially considering her increased metabolism. By the time she reached her block again, she had already eaten half the food out of the grocery bag, and drank half the carton of milk.

The sky turned a rosy twilight as she walked up the steps to her apartment and she paused to look at the skyline. It was nothing like the sky she remembered, in Brooklyn, when they were growing up. She wondered if she would ever get used to this century.

Steph sighed and fished her keys out of her back pocket. Damn these women’s jeans. It was so much easier when she could just wear men’s pants. But aside from the increased musculature, the serum also filled out curves she never had before the procedure, and her hips no longer fit in straight pants. And this century was particularly divided in the area of gendered clothing. She balanced the bag of groceries in one arm while she unlocked the door and went over the contents of the classified Winter Soldier file in her head. She had practically memorized them by this point.

The security keypad was right inside the front door, and she absentmindedly tapped her code, and gave it her thumb-scan before she realized she was not alone in the apartment. Without the increased senses the super-soldier serum had given her, she never would have noticed the man sitting in the armchair in her living room, in the dark. The security system had clearly still been on, so he hadn’t found a way to deactivate it, but he had still found a way into the apartment. But if the Winter Soldier wanted to kill her, he hadn’t taken the opportunity while she was distracted. So she surmised he wanted something else, and left the security off.

All the windows in her apartment faced the wrong direction, so she had already lost the setting sun. All she could clearly make out in the coming darkness was a pair of eyes, which followed every move she made, until they locked onto her own eyes. Steph carefully closed the front door without moving from the spot. She knelt down and set the bag of groceries on the floor, keeping her feet in the same place. She kept her eyes on him the whole time. Bucky hadn’t moved, but he also never took his eyes off her.

Steph had read about all the kinds of trigger words they had programed into his brain to control him, so she knew if she said the wrong thing, it could send him into a violent killing frenzy, or worse, make him flee.

She opened her mouth to speak, but then realized it had gone completely dry, so she wet her lips and tried again, with the only thing she could think to say. “Bucky.”

He didn’t move, which was a good thing, but he also didn’t say anything; he just continued to watch her.

So she tried again, and this time also took a step forward. “Bucky.”

She could see him more clearly now that her eyes had adjusted completely to the darkness. The combat suit was gone, probably so he could blend into crowds. He wore a dark hoodie and jeans. His hair was still long and it hung in his face. He opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, but no sound came out. So she took a step closer, until she was within arm’s reach.

“Bucky.”

His eyes continued to watch her. “I know you,” he said at last.

“Yes, you do,” she said, trying to keep the eagerness out of her voice as she knelt down in front of him so her head would be on the same level as his. “I’m Steph, your best friend. And you’re Bucky Barnes.”

“No,” he said. “I’m not. That man is dead.”

“No, he’s not.” Arguing with an unstable assassin was not a good idea, but Steph shut off the part of her brain that listened to reason. “He’s still in there somewhere. Because you saved me.”

“I had to find out how I knew you.”

“That’s not it. You could have let me die. It would have fulfilled your mission. But you did the opposite and saved me.” She looked at his face, certain she was right. “That means a part of Bucky is still alive. You are still Bucky Barnes.”

“What was he like? Tell me.” His voice was flat, but the interest had to be there, otherwise he wouldn’t have asked.

“He was…” She tentatively put her hands on the edges of the armrests to see what he would do. He didn’t move, but she could sense the tension in his body. If he wanted to, he could get by her. She gently touched his real hand with her fingertips and then slid her hand over his when he didn’t flinch away. “He was brave, one of the bravest people I’ve ever known. And I’ve been around honest-to-God superheroes.” She didn’t break eye contact as she gently squeezed his hand. “He -- you -- were my closest friend, together to the end of the line.” She smiled wryly. “We were inseparable.” She leaned closer so they were barely a foot apart, and she could see every detail on his face. “Do you remember anything?”

“A train,” he said. His solid gaze finally broke and his eyes roamed her face, looking for what, she didn’t know. “Falling.” Steph frowned, and almost stopped him. “Sneaking into a film,” he continued. “A bloody nose, on a grinning face.” He stopped searching her face and looked at her, this time with something like desperation. “And you’re always there. How do I know you?”

“I was there,” she said quickly. “We grew up together, Bucky. It was you and me against the world. I couldn’t even let you go off to war without me. Don’t you remember?” She moved closer again, and he watched her. “That’s how I ended up like this.”

“I thought you were smaller.”

She couldn’t help herself. It was the exact same tone of voice as when he had last said that to her. She surged forward and placed her lips against his before she could realize that was potentially a bad idea. To her surprise, he responded to the kiss. She tenderly reached up and placed her hands on his face so she could pull him closer to her.

She felt his flesh and blood hand go to the back of her head, and his fingers carded through her short hair, before gripping hard to pull her closer. She leaned towards him and parted her lips so she could nibble on his lower lip. He responded in kind, and then she felt the touch of his tongue.

Steph dropped one hand from his face, but he didn’t seem to notice. She gently touched the back on his metal hand, which had not moved from its position on the armrest.

That, however, was the wrong thing to do. The next thing she knew, she was thrown back on her butt and Bucky was standing near the wall, close to the windows. At least he hadn’t tried to kill her.

Steph carefully arranged her feet underneath her and moved into a crouch, but stayed low to the ground, her training and instinct dictating her movement. “Bucky,” she said as soothingly as she could.

“Stop calling me that!” he yelled back. He had the wrist of his left hand in a vice grip. It seemed like he was almost trying to restrain the metal arm. The metal hand, meanwhile, was opening and closing into a clenched fist.

“That’s who you are,” she said levelly, staying low.

“I’m not him! He’s nothing like me!” His flesh hand apparently lost the battle, because Bucky slammed his metal fist into the wall beside him, which created a sizable dent. For a second, Steph was worried it would set off one of Tony’s multitude of alarms. When nothing happened, she let out the breath she had subconsciously held, and slowly rose to her feet, keeping her back straight and her eyes locked on Bucky’s. “I saw the pictures, in the museum,” he said. “He shares my face, but nothing else.”

“You’re still Bucky.” This time he was clearly close to fight or flight mode, but she still took a step toward him. “I know it.”

“I’m a killer,” he said bitterly.

“It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows for us, either.” She took another step forward. “We fought a war. A bloody war.”

“That is nothing to what I have done.” He held up the metal arm. “With this.”

She took another step closer. “I know. But, still,” she stopped in front of him again, “you’re always going to be Bucky to me. You’re my friend.”

“You’re my mission.” She recalled a cacophony of explosions, twisted metal, burning fires, and then the cold grip of watery death. “My last mission.”

She looked up at him and wondered if he was also thinking of the last time they had this conversation. “Have you come back to finish it? Do you want to kill me?”

If the metal arm had been made of human muscles, it would have been shaking with how tensely he had his fist clenched. “This arm does.”

“And this arm?” She gently touched his right hand, which had also been clenched into a fist, but loosened up as soon as she touched it. She gently took his hand with both of hers and raised it up to her lips. “What does this arm want?” She was playing a dangerous game, and was almost surprised by how much she didn’t care. She had been willing to let the Winter Soldier kill her back on the helicarrier, after all. “What do you want?”

“I… want…” He tested out the word, as if he was unused to it. “I want to know if I was that man. I want you to make me remember.” His hand moved to the back of her neck and he pulled her close so he could kiss her again.

This kiss did not start out as gently as the last one, but was a full-on open-mouthed affair. Steph leaned up and put her hands on his shoulders, then gave up on that and wrapped her arms fully around his neck so she could line her body up flush with his. And when had he been so tall? She had been the same height as him after the super-soldier serum. She supposed the combat boots he wore helped, and whatever they had done to make him stronger, like her. She stopped thinking about his height when he stuck his tongue in her mouth and she moaned into the kiss. His hardness pressed against her thigh through their clothes, and she wanted him so badly, even though any second he might turn around and try to kill her.

She stood up on her toes and tangled her fingers in his long, slightly dirty, dark hair as his hand moved down her back. It sent a delightful thrill through her whole body. For a moment, it was like nothing had changed, and this was the Bucky she knew better than she knew herself.

When they broke apart to breathe, Bucky slid his hand down to her hip and spun her around so she had her back to the wall. She instinctively wrapped her legs around his waist and he pressed her into the wall with his body as he searched out her mouth again. She greedily met him in the kiss again, keeping him as close as she could.

His kisses moved along her jaw and down her throat, so she leaned her head back against the wall to give him better access, and the deja vu of the moment hit her. A bubble of a laugh escaped her and she ran her fingers through his much longer hair. He didn’t notice and continued his trail of licks and nips down her neck.

“Do you remember when we were last like this? Behind the barracks, even though we knew we would probably be caught. We almost were caught.”

Bucky stilled completely, and the spell was broken. He still had his lips against her neck. “No,” he said after another moment. “But I remember a scrawny kid from Brooklyn. A girl who always wore boy’s clothes.”

Steph held her breath and looked down at the top of Bucky’s head. She couldn’t see his eyes, because he still hadn’t moved.

“Always insisted she was one of the guys.” He kissed her skin again, feather-light. “To the point of trying to enlist.”

“I couldn’t let you go off and win the war without me,” she tried to joke, but it didn’t come out right. Her voice was too thick. “I had to follow you over there.”

“Never were one to back down from a fight.” He licked her collar bone where it was visible above the top of her shirt.

“Yes, yes, that’s me,” she said breathlessly as she ran her fingers through his hair again. She desperately wanted to look into his eyes, see his expression. Was it Bucky talking to her or the ghost?

“Stupid girl.” There was nothing condescending in the tone of voice, it was affectionate, like it always had been. He looked up and met her eyes, a small smirk on his lips.

She smiled in response. It was such a Bucky thing to say and do. She pulled him close and kissed him again, and then decided that was no longer enough. She worked at getting the hoodie he had probably stolen, off his body, followed by the thin T-shirt. He fumbled over the buttons of her blouse and pushed her shirt open. She leaned forward and shrugged it off her shoulders, letting the clothes drop to the floor.

Steph let one foot fall to the floor and pulled Bucky’s face close so she could to kiss him again while she tried to lead the way to the bedroom by feel. He kept his real arm around her waist as they stumbled through the doorway. The warmth of his bare skin sent delicious shivers up her body. On the way to the bed, they managed to discard the rest of their clothes, only slightly tripping over her sneakers and his combat boots.

They tumbled down onto her very large bed together. Leave it to Tony to furnish an apartment with a bed big enough to comfortably fit four adults. Steph moved over Bucky and braced her hands on the sheets on either side of his head as she leaned down and kissed him again.

His right hand traveled the length of her body, setting off sparks everywhere he touched her bare skin. The metal arm lay limp on the bed by his body. He was too afraid to touch her with it. As he had said so himself, that arm wanted to kill her.

She could feel his cock press against her backside, already hard. She reached back and stroked it. A shudder went through his body. She wasn’t the only one who hadn’t gotten laid in seventy years. He gripped her hip tightly as he pulled her body closer against his chest, but only with his right hand.

Steph decided that wasn’t enough. She wouldn’t be satisfied with only half the effort. Even though the last time she touched the metal hand, it had sent him into a panic, she didn’t hesitate to grab it again and place it on her other hip. It wasn’t as cold as she had expected it to be, but it felt nothing like the flesh hand holding her other hip. Metal didn’t give against her skin. But that didn’t stop him from digging his fingers into her hip to the point that it was almost painful. If she wasn’t a super-soldier, it would have given her one hell of a bruise.

She slid against his body and it affected him as much as it affected her. Every brush of her nipples against his chest sent heat directly to her groin. She decided she had waited long enough, so she pulled back her hand and he groaned at the loss, until she slowly lowered herself onto him, and then it turned into a groan of pleasure.

His hands, both of them, slid up her stomach and cupped her breasts. She leaned into his touch as she started to move on top of him, slowly at first, but then faster.

Once she had a good rhythm going, he suddenly returned his hand to her hip and flipped her underneath him so he could take control of the pace. She didn’t mind. She wrapped her arms around his neck again and pulled his muscled body closer to her. He sucked at a spot on her neck, and she knew it would leave a mark, but it felt so good. So she leaned her head back and pushed her chest up closer to his body, keeping as much skin contact as possible.

It was several hours later, after being spent many times over, that they collapsed on the bed, exhausted. Steph gently stroked a few strands of Bucky’s too-long hair back behind his ear as he lay with his head pillowed on her breast, and his right arm across her waist. Once again, the metal arm was kept away from her body, even though they still had a few limbs tangled together.

Steph looked up at the ceiling. She hadn’t felt so content in such a long time, even though she was certain this was only temporary. The void she had gotten used to was finally closing. Just before she drifted off, she placed a gentle kiss to the top of Bucky’s head. She didn’t say anything, but she hoped that could say how much she still loved him.

 

She dreamed of a Bucky that was still whole, one who laughed a lot. She dreamed of their first night together after they found each other again. Everything was so new and so familiar at the same time.

But when she woke up, she was alone in the too-large bed. Steph sat up and looked around the room, hopeful for a moment that perhaps, unable to sleep, Bucky had gotten up, but was still in the apartment. A quick look around revealed only her clothes scattered on the floor in a path from the living room. She got up anyway and threw on one of the long T-shirts she sometimes worked out in. An inspection around the living room showed the same thing. Her blouse was the only piece of clothing on the floor by the windows, one of which was open a crack, and hadn’t been the previous night. It was a bit obvious, but she supposed he wanted her to know he had left.

She crossed the living room and closed the window after looking down the pre-dawn street outside. There was no one out there, not even a jogger.

It was better this way. And it wasn’t exactly like she had expected him to stay. But now she knew he was close, that he had been here all along while she had been searching everywhere else.

Steph smiled to herself as she picked up her clothes. She knew one more thing. He would be back.

 

 


End file.
